Letters to Sara
by csijenniferlynn
Summary: Set after the season 8 episode, Goodbye and Good Luck, the members of the lab write letters to Sara because none of them had the chance to say goodbye.  Each chapter is one letter.  Please read and review.  Thanks!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from using the CSI characters.

Note: This work is set following the season 8 episode Goodbye and Good Luck. Sara has left Vegas, leaving behind nothing more than a letter for Grissom and her vest's "Sidle" label in the trash. Since no one at the lab had a chance to say goodbye, they each wrote a letter to her. Sadly, they were never sent because no one knew where to send their letters, but writing them helped the characters let go of Sara. Each chapter will be one letter, and the character who wrote it will be named in the salutation at the end of the letter, so if you don't want to guess who wrote it, scroll to the bottom first to figure it out. Please review! Thanks for reading!

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

When Grissom told us you left, and I mean really left, like as in not just left the lab to go catch a nap or even left for a week of vaca or even left for a 3 month sabbatical, but I mean really, really left us, like for good, I left, too. I didn't leave for good or anything, but Sara, I couldn't stand being near Grissom right then. I blamed him. I knew I shouldn't because until Natalie, once you had finally caught your man, you were happier than I've ever seen you. I know it's not Grissom's fault that you left. When he told us, I escaped the break room to the showers and I think I took the longest shower of my life, and I only got out when the memory of us being showered off at a crime scene together infiltrated my thoughts and made even being in the shower too painful. I was the only one still left in the lab at that point and I thought Grissom would be pissed, but he just left a note on my locker telling me to take the night off. I still wanted to me mad at him, but I couldn't be anymore. He knew how crushed I was and he knew that I couldn't hide the hurt like he could. He was the strong guy. I was the pathetic one. I went home, ate an entire pint of ice cream (Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia- your favorite!), and then called Papa Olaf and cried to him about how I needed you. I can see you laughing at me right now for crying to Papa Olaf, and I smiled because there's nothing better at the lab every night than your smile and laughter, but my smiled faded pretty fast when I realized that even though I am so the best at getting you to smile, I can't anymore because I don't know where you are.

You mean so much to me, Sara. You're my best friend in the world, and you just walked out of my life, just like that, without even so much as a goodbye. Hodges told us you "said" goodbye to Grissom, and I'm really glad you at least did that. The poor guy is crushed. You know how he is, so I'm sure it'll come as no shock to you that he's worked at least doubles, if not triples, since you left. He even sleeps on his office couch (he closes the blinds on his window and somehow thinks that our finely trained powers of observation will manage to overlook the fact that he's sleeping!). I don't even know if he goes home. I heard Catherine ask him about his dog (he has a dog?), and he said Hank (come on, Sara, I cannot BELIEVE you didn't tell me Grissom has a dog named after your ex-boyfriend!) was staying at the sitter's, so I really do think he is pretty much living at the lab. I bet home reminds him too much of you. You know, you can't leave him like this forever. You've gotta come back.

You know I miss you, right? I hope you miss me, too. You know, I won't hop on the next flight to find you if you tell me where you are. I'll just write to you or you could even give me a phone number to call you. We could chat. We wouldn't have to talk about cases. I know you're done with the death and senselessness of the perps, and I understand that. I really do. But don't be done with us. Don't be done with me. I'm still funny. I'll still make you laugh, even if it's just over the phone when you can't see my ridiculous costumes or adorable grin (you KNOW you think my smile's adorable… don't even try to deny it!). I promise that whether you let us know where you are or not or whether you eventually come back to us or not, I will be here for you. I also promise to continue to make fun of Hodges at every opportunity, although it's just not as fun when you're not around to laugh or roll your eyes at me.

Love always, Greggo


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from CSI.

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

Damn, girl, what did you have to leave for? Do you know how much you hurt Griss? That man is like my father, and you just tore his heart out.

I couldn't stand you when you first came to Vegas- I was angry as hell that you were brought in to investigate my actions and I was even angrier that Grissom chose my investigator. I was pissed off with myself for letting him down, letting my team down, and I felt completely responsible for Holly's death. I know Grissom thinks I'm a great CSI and even that I've got leadership abilities, and I figured at the time of Holly's death that he really wanted me to be cleared of responsibility and that he had brought in the best person he could think of to clear my name. Honestly, Sara, that made me all sorts of jealous; I knew Griss valued your CSI abilities more than mine. I knew from the first time I laid eyes on you that the man esteemed you as the best. I was determined to hate you for it.

Wouldn't you know, though, I couldn't hate you. I came to see you for all that you are, just like Grissom did. Even though you hated me at first and I hated you right back, I wasn't too stupid to see how damn smart you are, how amazingly detail-oriented and organized you are, how passionate you are about bringing justice to victims, how hot your forever long legs are, and how much you love Grissom. Yeah, Sara, as you once told Nick in the locker room, we're paid to be observant- we all knew you loved Griss right from the get-go. Like I said, he's been like a father to me, and so I gained a lot of respect for you because of the way you treated him when you were here. But now you're gone. Grissom's defeated. He's drowning himself in work and he's hardly even quoting Shakespeare anymore. I didn't actually think I'd miss that, but turns out, the lab doesn't feel right without its daily dose of Shakespeare quotes floating around it.

Man, Sara, I'm so mad at you right now. You were supposed to be my friend. A close friend. A friend I'd have given my life to protect. You know I would have, Sara. You know we're a family here. This family might be the weirdest family ever created- we've got no biological relationships and different ethnicities, but this family is sure as hell better than any other one I've ever had. Now that you've walked out of it, it isn't right. Before you left, in those last few weeks, the lab was much more a home to me than home was. My divorce was eating at me. Did you know, Sara, that Tina's pregnant? She's having my baby, but it looks like I'll never get to see my baby boy. She won't let me. She's not even going to let me be present for his birth. I don't get to have any say in naming him. I won't get to rock him to sleep. I won't get to play ball with him. I won't get to watch him get on a school bus on his first day of kindergarten. I'm dying inside because of this, Sara, and I needed you to help me through this. The guys won't get it, you know they won't. Nick'll be there for me. He always is. But he won't understand how I feel. Catherine won't get it, either. I know she's a mom and all, but she won't understand what this is like for me. But you, Sara, I knew you'd be able to talk me through this because you've been through some tough shit and you've always come out okay. But now I know you're not okay; you're gone and I'm left with no one to talk to. I'm angry, Sara, and I don't know how to cool down.

Come back. The lab needs you. Grissom needs you. We need you. _I_ need you. I'll wait forever, just like Grissom. Even if you no longer care, even if you can no longer be my friend, you will always- you hear me? You will ALWAYS- have a place in my heart. I miss you girl.

Love, Warrick


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: It is highly unfortunate that I do not own or profit from the CSI franchise.

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

I am writing to let you know that your presence at the lab will be sorely missed. After a week without you around, I have come to several conclusions:

There are several people in this lab who will not recover from your abrupt departure. I have been forced to avoid Captain Brass; it's rumored that he is being harsher to lab staff than he used to be to suspects and that he's actually been taken out of interrogations twice because of his unprecedented hostility toward them. Grissom has not once looked me in the eye since the day you practically made out with him in front of me. Stokes is moody and subdued. And, hard though it is for me to admit it, I actually feel sorry for Sanders. Apparently, you bring out the wackiness in him, and though I never thought it'd be the case, we all miss his adolescent behavior.

Catherine needs a female teammate. It always appeared that you two were hardly best friends, I mean, Catherine has always been the epitome of femininity and you don't seem to care about your appearance, you both have a tendency to be extremely opinionated and moody, which seemed to leave you at loggerheads more often than not, and you always seemed jealous of Catherine's first-name basis relationship with the one-and-only Grissom, but now that you're gone, Catherine's waspishness has gotten a bit out of control. You must have kept her in check, or, at the very least, you must have given her enough topics of office gossip to keep her happy.

Grissom will get fired if Ecklie has his way, and there's only so much I can do to protect him and prevent that from happening. We all know and accept that Grissom has never been particularly great about keeping up with his paperwork, but since you left, he hasn't finished any. Ecklie is out for blood.

The break room will never look the same. You must have had an anal retentive habit of organizing it daily because since you've been gone, the place is a mess. Stokes has lost his coffee mug 4 times already; did you seriously wash and shelve it for him every day?

Grissom needs professional therapy. He won't even open up to me about how he is coping, and you know as well as I do that we are on quite intimate terms. If he's too hurt, too full of pride, and more interested in keeping you happy than keeping himself happy to talk to you, and he won't talk to me, then he needs professional help.

Finally, Sara, I would like to point out that as a result of the aforementioned issues that have cropped up at the lab since your departure, it would be prudent for you to return. I look forward to seeing you again very soon. When you come back, I promise to keep your evidence at the top of my priority list.

Yours sincerely, David Hodges


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI.

CSICSICSICSICSI

Sara, Sara, Sara (insert sigh).

What am I going to do with you, girl? Before I start chastising you here (and believe me, there will be some serious chastising), I do really, truly hope you're okay, Sara. Knowing me like you do, you can hardly be surprised that I snooped in Gil's office for the letter you wrote him and took the liberty of reading it uninvited, and come on, you can't be angry at me for it- you knew I'd do it (and admit it… deep down, you admire my uncanny ability to get my hands on whatever I want ). Anyway, you had me crying. I don't know how Gil didn't cry. Well, maybe he did. I don't see everything, though we both know I try to, especially when it comes to Mr. Esoteric.

He sure as hell was struggling to tell us the news. God, Sara, that meeting in the break room was by far and away the worst I've sat through. Watching poor Gil stare at the floor, taking deep, calming breaths, and practically whispering that you had left was even worse than watching Nicky panic in that coffin (don't get me wrong, that was beyond heart wrenching, but somehow, I just knew we'd find Nicky and I was so busy trying to find him that I didn't really have time to freak out about it) and Sara, it was just as sad as watching Gil dig up a hiker he thought was you the day you were stranded in the desert. He was terrified for you then, and he's terrified for you now. He's so scared that you'll never come back. He won't say that, of course, but I can tell.

After Gil managed to tell us why he had called an impromptu team meeting, he left the room (not until after poor Greg fled the scene, though… I think he might be almost as crushed as Grissom), and the rest of us, we just kind of sat there. It almost felt like if we just didn't let the truth sink in, that it wouldn't be the truth. It was like Nicky, Warrick, and I were just sitting there waiting for you to walk in and pop one of those nasty-ass veggie burgers of yours into the microwave. Needless to say, you didn't show, and eventually, Gil had collected himself enough to give us assignments, so off we went to half-heartedly process a couple of scenes. Some jack-ass drug dealer got off the hook that night because Nicky accidentally contaminated a key piece of evidence- none of us were at our best the night we found out our little lab family had lost a member.

Sara, you know we could have talked about those ghosts of yours, right? I know I'm not perfect when it comes to our relationship. I mean, let's admit it- we're both control freaks and we've always been the only two members of the team to get PMS (at the same time at that- the poor guys always hated that!), so we were bound to have our differences, but Sara, I trusted you- I still do trust you- with my life and with my secrets. Who did I turn to when I thought I had been raped?

You know, Nicky, Warrick, Greg, and I have a long-standing debate over who's more private and secretive- you or Gil. Warrick and I say it's you, Nicky and Greg say it's Grissom. Either way, we all acknowledge that both of you are private individuals. We all also thought both of you were tough as nails. It seems that we were wrong. We're your friends, Sara, your family, really, and we didn't see this coming. We knew you'd been struggling since that messed-up psycho bitch took you, but we've all gone through periods of burn out, times that have been harder than others. We just thought that since Nicky had pulled through his kidnapping, that you'd eventually pull through and be okay, too. Since we had all found out that you and Gil were FINALLY together (did I mention FINALLY? God, girl, do you have any idea how many times and for how many YEARS I've been trying to get that man to pay attention to you?), we assumed he was enough to get you through this. We should have known to make you talk. _I_ should have known. Damn it, Sara, I'm sorry that I overlooked your pain. I'm sorry that I overlooked your burn-out. I'm sorry that Lindsay's adolescent woes took precedence over your genuine needs. I sure made a shitty friend.

Now, moving on to the chastising (I am a mother, you know, and although I'll NEVER admit to being old enough to be yours, those mothering instincts of mine are telling me that someone needs to scold you here!)…

What the hell did you leave Gil for? Sara Sidle, I knew from the minute Gil introduced you to me that he was head-over-heels infatuated with you. In fact, I was damn jealous. Trust me when I say I've never seen Gil as more than a great friend, but still, I was his right-hand woman until you came along. Eventually, I rationalized that the man needed a love life, and I stopped hating you for being the woman who wanted to give that to him. He still needed me, mostly to get him to figure out that he needed you, but also to maintain his employment status (let's face it, without me, the man would have been fired for his lack of ability to complete paperwork years ago), but he was missing out on love, on a partnership that doesn't fade when he walks out of the lab doors every morning. Gil needed someone to go home to. He needed someone to grow old with (and since I'm NEVER going to grow old, I wouldn't have been a good candidate! ). I tried and tried and tried some more to get Gil to stop caring about office policy and just ask you out already, and eventually, apparently, he did.

If we hadn't all been in a state of panic fearing for your life when Gil accidentally told us about the two of you, we would have all been elated. After watching Gil get into that helicopter with you after Nicky found you, I cried. I cried because we had finally found you. I cried because you were alive. I cried because I was afraid I'd get a phone call saying you weren't anymore- you didn't have a pulse when Nicky found you. But mostly, I cried because I saw how tenderly Gil touched you and realized just how much he really loved you and just how much he was afraid he was losing in that moment.

And you just left him. You left because you're running from your past. I get that the kidnapping hurt you, physically, yes, but way worse emotionally. I get that those emotional scars are going to stick with you for the rest of your life. I also think you're hiding something. I think, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but I am a damn good CSI, and Sara, I think you and your mom were abused when you were a child. Every time we get a case involving spousal or child abuse, you lose your objectivity. After you got in trouble for drunk driving, I told Gil my suspicions and asked him if he knew anything about your past. He very forcefully told me to let it rest, so I as much as knew I was right. If I am right, Sara, that kind of a past has to be tough to carry around with you. I'm guessing the emotional scars from your childhood are the "ghosts" you need to get rid of. If that's the case, you go girl! Deal with your past. Make peace with whatever's bugging you. But when you're done, you get yourself back to Gil. It'd be great if you got your skinny butt back to the lab, too, but I won't try to make you do that. You wouldn't be the first CSI to be done with staring death in the face on a daily basis, and you sure as hell won't be the last, so I won't crucify you for leaving the lab, but Sara, you HAVE to come back to Gil and you have to come back to us, to your family… we care about you and we all need you in our lives.

I guess I didn't yell at you too much. I just don't have the heart to gripe at you when I know how much you're struggling. Let us know where you are. Let us know that you're safe. We worked hard to rescue you from the desert, Sara. We'd gladly work just as hard to rescue you from the demons you're fighting. Come back to us.

Love always, Catherine


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I still do not own CSI. If I did, I'd have a bigger house.

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

I think this was the first time you've ever done so, but you left me speechless. The night you left, Grissom told us in the break room. He was devastated. I first hoped he was kidding around, but we all know he's not exactly the practical joke type, and like I said, he was visibly upset. Next, I hoped he was wrong, that he had somehow misunderstood you, like maybe all you did was ask Ecklie for a leave of absence, but then I realized that we also know Grissom's not exactly the type to jump to false conclusions. Eventually, he said you wrote him a farewell letter. It kind of hit me then that you really did leave. Catherine, Warrick, and I just sat, silent and pretty much motionless for what felt like forever. I guess we were trying to digest the truth. I know I was wondering how I let you leave. How did I not notice you were going to go?

I know I went through a rough patch after you guys rescued me in the desert. I know you guys all helped me through it, particularly you and Warrick. I should have realized, Sara, that you were struggling, too. I've been there. I was stranded in the desert, hoping to be rescued, too. I know how that feels, and yet I was blind enough to miss the fact that those God-forsaken desert thoughts were weighing on you and slowly eating away at your heart. I'm kicking myself for not trying harder to get you to talk to me.

Catherine told me she found your letter to Grissom and that you said you had to get rid of your ghosts, or something like that. Man, I remember that feeling all too well. When I was buried alive, I said goodbye. There came a time when I just gave up hope. I left a message for my mom, my dad, the rest of my family, Grissom, and you guys. After I said my goodbyes, I found myself going through every blasted mistake I've ever made in my life. God, Sara, I was so close to pulling the trigger on that gun. If Warrick hadn't gotten to me right then, I would have done it, Sara. I would have ended the pain. I would have escaped the evil thoughts and the mind-boggling loneliness.

You were stronger than that, girl. You kept walking until your body just gave out. I was damn proud of you. I don't know exactly what thoughts were going through your head when you were trapped under that car, but I know they can't have been happy ones. I guess in my relief that you were going to be okay and my pride that you had been so strong, I forgot that that desert night would never leave you, even though the physical wounds would and did. Every time I visited you in the hospital, you seemed to be the same old Sara- listening to you irritate every nurse at Desert Palm cracked me up! The fact that you smiled when we visited you and laughed at our jokes, even Greg's, made me think you were more okay than you really were. Plus, Grissom practically had to be plied away from your side, so we all figured he was a great source of comfort to you. I figure now that he probably was a great comfort, but even having a trusted shoulder to cry on just wasn't enough this time.

I don't know where you are, Sara, but I wish I did. I wish I knew you were safe. I wish I knew you were smiling again, your real, genuinely happy smile. I've got some great memories to hold on to, from serious to hilarious… remember that time you actually helped Greggo turn Hodges' scalp blue? That was the funniest darn thing I've ever seen and I'll always remember your laugh that day. But while I'm going to hold on to you through those memories, I want to hold on to you for real again. I want to see you again, to give you a great big bear hug and tell you that everything will be okay. I wish, I really wish, that I could have said goodbye to you, girl. I would have told you that I love you- not like Grissom does- I'm not trying to get all weird here. I would have told you I'd do anything to help you. I would have told you I'd bury your ghosts with you. I would have told you you could have cried on my shoulder anytime and I would have gladly carried your burdens for you. But, I'm sure you know I would have told you not to go, and so I understand why you didn't tell. If you knew for sure that leaving was right for you and you knew we'd all tell you not to go, it would have been harder for you to walk out that door.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Just promise me you'll never forget us and that you'll stay safe and find happiness. I love you, girl. I'll miss you forever.

Goodbye and Good Luck, Nick


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I am still not profiting from my use of the CSI characters and nor will I ever do so.

Note: This chapter has a different feel than the others, and it's rather short. It was pretty fun to write. I hope you enjoy it- please read and review!

CSICSICSICSICSI

Sidle,

What happened to lab policy, huh? First, you mess around with Gil, and now, you walk out the door without giving notice. Two weeks notice, Sidle! You couldn't give the lab the courtesy of actually knowing you were leaving, could you? The melodramatic exit was much more important than proper procedure, wasn't it? Your drama queen act has left us short-handed, as you well know. I don't appreciate it. Your team was moody as hell before you left them all with extra casework on their hands; now, they're all downright ridiculous.

Every member of the grave shift, both CSIs and techs alike, is moping around the lab like someone has died. I could possibly understand a few days of depression from Gil or from your little lapdog, Greg, but I'm really not thrilled with the fact that everyone, even Bobby, Archie, Mandy, Wendy, Dave Phillips, and Doc Robbins, is acting so pathetic. Were you even close to these people? At least Hodges seems capable of normal functioning, although whether he ever functions normally is up for debate.

I once specifically told Gil that you were a "loose cannon with a gun." I knew I was right. Ever since he hired you, Gil's been on my case about not liking you. He believes I disliked you because **he **hired you, whereas **I** hired everyone else on our prestigious grave shift team. I'll admit to a slight pang of annoyance to that end, but I have better things to do than hold grudges. How I could have missed the fact that Gil hired you because he was attracted to you, I'll never know. It's a good thing you're a damn good CSI because otherwise, I would have seen Gil's true motive right away and I would have fired your ass before anyone could have gotten attached enough to you to bother moping about your resignation, if that's indeed what we want to call that love letter to Grissom- it's not like you bothered actually filling out the proper paperwork.

As much as we need CSIs who excel at closing cases, if you walk back into this lab and ask me for your job back, so help me God, I will quite possibly wring your neck. I'll even let your woebegone team process the scene.

I sincerely hope you're enjoying your newfound life outside of the Vegas crime lab, knowing that you've left your team to do all of your work and that you've led your boyfriend to practically live at the lab and yet say even fewer words than ever in any given day. I'm sincerely enjoying cleaning up the mess you left behind (did you detect the sarcasm?).

Sincerely angry, your superior, Conrad Ecklie


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. If I did, I'd have a bigger house.

Note: Thank you all for reading this! I'm thrilled with your reviews!

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

How well I remember your first autopsy: a Jane Doe whose COD was multiple blunt force trauma to the face. That poor woman was so battered that brain matter was seeping through what used to be eye sockets and yet, you didn't run out and vomit. Turns out, you had worked as a CSI prior to coming to Vegas and I had not yet learned that information. Your first autopsy wasn't really your first after all, but at the time, I was shocked and impressed with how well you dealt with the experience. After all these years, you're still the only "first-timer" I've worked with who hasn't vomited. You told me you didn't get sick or even excuse yourself from the room during your actual first autopsy in San Francisco, and I came to really believe that, but not because I thought you were tougher than everyone else. I came to believe that you witnessed your first autopsy without nausea because you had already seen death and that the death you had seen was worse than the death of the first dead guy on a slab that you worked with. I was curious. I did some research. I found out about your father's death. You saw it. After that, Sara, I can readily believe that the random bodies you saw on the job were nothing compared to the body of one you loved, brutally murdered in your own home. Don't worry- I have never told anyone.

After that first meeting of ours, in which I was impressed with your fortitude and professionalism, I readily respected your abilities and immediately considered you an asset to our formidable graveyard team, despite your tendency to get a bit feisty when my findings didn't line up with your theories. I particularly enjoyed the fact that you could so easily distract Grissom when none of the rest of us could; I always took great pleasure in watching him react to you. He seemed to love and hate that you could distract or confuse him. It was high time he met his intellectual match, you know. Before you came along, I was perhaps his closest intellectual sparring partner. I've still got you beat in Shakespeare quotes, but I fear you may out-play me in all other categories, particularly in mental chess. Heaven knows I can't play that game worth a darn; I was quite relieved when our fearless leader took to dueling you and leaving me out of his mental chess world.

You're a bit older than my daughters, but not much, so it was easy for me to come to feel that you were one of them. In fact, one time after telling my wife how horrifying it was to autopsy Debbie Marlin because she looked so much like you, she commented, "Al, you've got such a soft spot for that girl, don't you?" I couldn't deny it. She was right.

Therefore, just as I did when my oldest decided to go to Oxford for college, then to fall in love with a British chap, and then to get married to said British chap, and finally to decide to live in England forever, I am both mourning and rejoicing. I'm mourning my loss of your constant companionship, but I'm rejoicing in the fact that you're finding your definition of happiness. After seeing so many bodies of people whose lives were lost well before old age and wondering if these people had found happiness before they met their untimely demises, I am all too ready to let you go if leaving is what you need to do to be happy. I sure hope you come back to us one day, but above that, I hope you're happy. Know that wherever you are and for however long you stay away from here, I will always care for you; you've always got a piece of my heart.

Wherever you are, do me a favor and find a nice blues establishment. Visit it every once in a while and think of me, your favorite ME.

Love, Doc


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Dear csijenniferlynn, You don't own CSI, just in case you were somehow deluded into thinking you did. Sincerely, CBS

Note: Thank you so very much for sticking with Letters to Sara, everyone! I love all the reviews and have such a great time writing the letters.

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

When Grissom called a meeting for your team in the middle of shift that night, Mandy and I watched through the lab windows, hoping to stay in the loop with the office gossip, but it didn't take more than a few seconds to realize something serious was going down. Grissom's head was bowed; he seemed completely unwilling to make eye contact with anyone, although he did look up at Greg once with a rather remorseful expression. Poor Greg nearly ran out of the break room; his eyes were on the ground, too- he nearly ploughed into Hodges, who had come, practically drooling, to tell us that you had kissed Grissom right in front of him. That's when we realized you weren't one of the stock-still, stunned individuals sitting in the break room.

Two days after you left, Ecklie came barging in to each of our labs and informed us all that the undersheriff had _recommended_ we all see the LVPD's resident psychologist/grief counselor to talk about your departure. Ecklie told us all that he not only recommended such activity, but he _required_ it of us. Whatever. You know as well as I do that Ecklie was only trying to keep himself looking good to McKeen; he didn't care two straws what we did in response to losing you. What a jackass. But since we had to sign off saying we'd gone to the shrink, we all did it. I think it even helped a few of us. I just thought it was a little weird that we were going to counseling like you'd died. The shrink told all of us to write to you because we'd be able to let go of you if we did or something like that, so here I am, waiting for some particularly exciting DNA results (a paternity test- big time casino mogul might be father of the hooker he "accidentally" killed!) and writing to you to pass the time. If I know you well enough, you'd mock me for sitting here actually doing what the shrink said, but well, writing's a sight better than listening to Hodges bitch and moan at me (I kinda sorta ruined one of his tests last night when I bumped into his test tube rack and shattered two of the tubes, and well, you know Hodges- he'll NEVER let it go).

So, anyway, you'll be pleased to know I finally read that book you loaned me. Pride and Prejudice was worth the read, I'll give you that. Admittedly, it was kind of cool to read a kick-ass heroine coming out of the Victorian era, but your "classic literature" is never going to trump sci-fi. Sorry. Part of me thinks you ran out on us because you were terrified of keeping your end of our book bargain- you know I'll still force you into reading Fahrenheit 451 somehow or other. We've got some top-notch CSIs around here, one of whom I'll get to stalk you; eventually, my spying CSI will get me an address to send you a copy of _my_ favorite book to, and, after I've had to go through all that effort, you'd better read it!

As lame as I feel for saying so, things really aren't the same around here with you gone and I miss you (if you ever tell Hodges I actually wrote those 3 little words, I will have to hurt you). I'm sure this place will find a new "normal" soon enough, but for now, things are hectic. You know your team is short-handed and therefore, short-tempered. When Catherine's "good mood" is suddenly as cheery as Ecklie's "bad mood," you know things are bad. I still kind of can't believe you left, you know. Things were just getting good between you and Grissom, weren't they? I heard Catherine telling him to take some vacation time to go after you, but he thinks you don't want him to. I've been having an internal debate since then about whether or not I think you want him to chase you or not. On the one hand, you clearly stated that you still love him and he is obviously mourning your loss more than anyone. On the other hand, if you wanted him to leave Vegas with you, you could easily have asked him to. I just can't figure you out, but hey, that's one of your trademark personality traits; you'd be pissed at me if I could read you like a book!

Wherever you are, Sara, I hope you're happy and well. You really should stop by a bookstore and buy a copy of Fahrenheit 451 so I don't have to go through the trouble of begging Greg to track you down. Whenever you're having a bad day, think of me stuck here with Hodges' pompousness and Catherine's attitude. Come back to us soon, or at the very least, let us know you're alive… I'm still thinking Ecklie's confused about that matter, seeing as we've all had to go to grief counseling. Ha!

Hang in there, Wendy


	9. Chapter 9

Note: Thanks, thanks, and many more thanks to all of you for reading this! Writing has become a wonderful stress reliever for me, mostly because it's so wonderful to know there are people out there who enjoy reading my work!

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dear Sara,

You know I'm not much for sentimental speeches, but I'm feeling compelled to tell you a few little somethings you better already know:

You know I like to protect my CSIs, especially my favorite one. Your leaving Vegas doesn't change that. Gil said you're in San Francisco. I've got buddies at SFPD. If you need anything, anything at all, call me and I'll get you taken care of. I know you can't forget my number, even if you have ditched your LVPD cell.

I miss you. Yeah, yeah, call me soft. It's been said before. I'll deal with it. I know you don't have time to keep in touch with every last one of us here, but you had better at least keep in touch with Gil, and you had also better tell him to be more explicit with details when we all come asking him how you're doing. You know him. He's as tight-lipped as ever. We all just want to know that you're safe and happy.

You're tough as nails. I know you've been going through a rough patch, but you'll be fine. Remember that time you outran Detective Vega and two unis and flattened the perp yourself? No one but a tough cookie could have done that. You'll find your mojo again. No worries.

You're just like Gil: the two of you are both so secretive, or private, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I think you need to open up a bit. Hey, call me crazy, but you could stand to tell someone you're hurting before just up and leaving your life as you know it. I guess you two are made for each other, though, so I know you'll be back. I'll be waiting. I might even have to kick Greg out of line for the second hug when you come back (I'll be nice and let Gil have the first).

Love, Jim


	10. Chapter 10

Notes: This is the last installment of Letters to Sara, and it was by far the most difficult to write. What you're getting is the sixth draft! The italicized lines are Sara's farewell letter to Grissom. I have loved writing this story and have been thrilled with your response to it. Thank you so very much to those of you who stuck with this story until the end; you make writing stress-relieving and enjoyable for me!

CSICSICSICSICSI

Dearest Sara,

You're gone. I have your letter committed to memory; I've read it more times than I care to admit and even though it is committed to memory, I carry it in my pocket, where it is becoming difficult to read because I've folded and unfolded the paper so many times. I suppose that every time I unfold that letter, I hope it says something different, or I simply hope to pretend I still smell the scent of your hair brushing against my cheek and can still feel and taste your lips on mine as you kissed me goodbye the same day you left me that letter. Oh, how I wish I'd known that was a farewell kiss, Sara. I was just not smart enough to chase after you right away. No, I had to spend 2 minutes listening to Hodges ramble on about my soil samples while you were leaving me. God, Sara, I wish I had known.

_Gil, You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever._

Sara, I am struggling so hard to accept those words right now. Do you love me? Most of me feels like you do, and all of me wants to believe those three little words, but if you love me, why couldn't you tell me how badly you're hurting? Why couldn't I be a shoulder for you to cry on? Why did you not tell me you needed to escape Vegas?

_Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired._

I know, Sara, I know. And it's okay. It's okay to experience burn-out. We all do at some point. I left on sabbatical. You helped me through that time greatly, Sara. You know how much I appreciated being able to talk with you about how frustrated and depressed our job was making me. You know how much I valued being able to discuss my options for dealing with my burn-out with you. You know how grateful I was for your presence and your comfort during that rough time, as you refilled my migraine prescription, as you gave me countless facial massages and back rubs, as you let me take lengthy, extremely hot showers, even though wasting all that water and energy went against everything you stand for, as you encouraged me to take the four week teaching position even though it meant we'd be apart that long, and as you simply made me happy by smiling at me and welcoming me home with an embrace after those long, hard nights at work.

I know that you're still reeling from the aftermath of being kidnapped. As much as you've tried to hide it, I know you're still having terrifying nightmares. i know you're afraid of the desert and I know you feel silly for being afraid of the Nevada terrain we live and work in; you feel it's irrational to fear the entire desert or even just the small piece of desert you were trapped in and roamed through because the desert isn't to blame for the horrible things that happened to you. You've even be angry with me for refusing to send you to process any DB dump sites in the desert since your return to work, but how can you blame me for that? I couldn't risk forcing you to relive your tragedy any more than you already do every morning when you try to sleep; besides, you know I couldn't have sent you out to the desert without SPF 50 and my so-called "dorky" sun hat after how badly burnt you got out there.

I know you've been feeling unwell and tired, both physically and mentally, just like I was (although admittedly, I feel your situation is significantly worse than my burn-out period was), and I was, and still am, more than willing to get you through this. I want to be here for you like you were for me. I want to show you how much I love you.

_Out in the desert, under the car that night, I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert, it occurred to me, that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry._

Oh, Sara, don't you ever be sorry for your feelings. I just wish you had shared them with me. Please, Sara, bury your ghosts and then come back to me. If you need me to help you bury them, or even if you don't need me to and even if you flat out don't want me to, please call me. Let me come to you. Catherine told me to take a few days off to go after you, but I told her that isn't what you want. I believe that's true. I felt like I knew you so well, and the Sara I knew wouldn't want me to run after you as if we live in a romantic fantasy world, but Sara, I want to run after you. Can I? I don't care about the lab. I'll leave it permanently if you want me to. We can live in a state without desert or even in a different country, somewhere green. I'd gladly follow you to the end of the world, but I need you to tell me you want me to; I respect your need for space right now, even though I'd rather not. I miss your touch. And your smile. And your scent. And your presence on our team at the lab. And everything about you.

_No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with a feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know that I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. _

Honey, it would hardly be worse for me to see you "self-destruct" than it is for me to deal with the pain of you leaving. In fact, I would dearly love to be the shoulder you could cry on, the one you could trust to shoulder your pain for you. Do you remember when you first told me about your father's death? I'm sure you do. I'm also sure you have no idea that right then and there in your living room as I held your hand and watched you cry, I knew I had to let myself love you. I knew then and there that you needed me as much as I had always felt I needed you. I also had never before been so breathtakingly aware of your beauty and spirit.

_Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you… I always will. Goodbye._

No, Sara, I'm begging you not to make this goodbye. It can't be. You said you'd marry me. Please, Sara, come back to me or let me come to you. When you kissed me so tenderly in front of Hodges two days ago, I was taken aback, but experienced a rather giddy feeling of pure love. You made me happy. I've been sad since. I am not sure whether or not I've even showered. I think perhaps I haven't because Nick hinted that maybe I needed one. The team misses you, too, and they're all sad you're gone, but even through their own pain and sadness, they're all bending over backwards to help me get through this time. They mean well and I appreciate their efforts, but I wish they'd all just leave me alone because in all of my alone minutes, I can think of you.

Please let me know where you are. You just told me to be safe. I ask the same of you. You will always be my one and only, Sara. I am not sure if I can miss you with every beat of my heart because part of me thinks my heart has stopped beating. Our life together has made me truly happy. When we were together, my life was balanced full of love and life. I wouldn't trade our life together for anything, either. I also am not ready to give it up, Sara. I love you, too, and I always will. Please come back to me. I need you.

All my love always, Gil


End file.
